my grandmother

My mom just called and said they are saying my grandmother has dementia. I am not sure why she sounds surprised. It does make me sad. Maybe it just the saying it- putting a name on it- putting words to it.

I know there are not a lot of 44 year olds who have living grandparents. Maybe being 44 makes it so much harder to lose. I have had her forever. She has always been a constant in my life. Even though I didn't live in the same town as her, she was always a part of my life.

I am the oldest grandchild. I have always felt as we shared a special bond. A bond of the heart.

When I was home last time and visited her in the hospital she was so cranky and fussed at me about moving to El Paso. I was already having a hard enough time. I knew when I said good bye to her, I mght be telling her good bye for the last time.

I am planning to go home for Thanksgiving. It makes me so sad to think when I do go, she may be there in body, but not in mind. I have watched my friends deal with their parents. I have seen Memaw and Depaw as she takes care of him and he doesn't remember so many things. I guess I always knew this was going to happen. There have been so many signs of it. But to KNOW it is so much harder.

So, I am sitting here thinking of the good fun times. Traveling with her when I was little. We would take an old portable reel to reel and we would make travel shows- telling about everything little thing we saw, acting silly and singing songs. She always sang songs. The saddest songs, but always begged her to sing them again and again.

Easter at her house. Christmas. Decorating the tree on Thanksgiving.

When I was in college, she would mail me a card with a dollar in it. That was a lot of money to a broke college kid in the early 80s.

The good memories are so many that I can't even list them all. I am so blessed that my kids have had the opportunity to make good memories with her, too.

So, instead of thinking of the sadness of this, I am going to remember the good, the fun, the funny and so many other things that make her Nanny.